12th October 2016
I am balancing awkwardly on the side of my bed as I type this. One of my legs is dangling, while the other half is stretched. Reason for these theatrics? Well, my laptop battery and charger got fried a couple of months back; it’s pretty much a desktop, more or less. My priorities are all messed up right now and I haven’t been bothered to replace it because eating the allocated money is much more thrilling. In my twisted economic reasoning, it seemed cheaper just to buy a charger . But the new chargers keep getting spoilt after 1 or 2 months because , in all honesty; some of us are just too careless for our own liking. Which brings me back to the balancing act; I am not certain what happened to this particular charger; but I have to place it a certain way for it to work. So here I am.
It’s twenty minutes to 5am. My kitty, Brendon Small (Yes, I named him after that Brendon in Home Movies) woke me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I have been planning to start writing again for a while now but the motivation has been lacking. So I figured, why not start?
Late last year, it hit me just how short life is. We keep chasing stuff and delaying our gratification in the hope that the future will bring better things and that we will enjoy them at that time. School, work, love, relationships etc. But those future dates come and we still keep pushing the enjoyment for some later date. The cycle continues and we realize, too late, that we were so busy trying to make a living or to make sense of life that we forgot to live it. I didn’t want that to be me on my death bed. So I made a firm resolve to enjoy life now and worry about the future when it came.
I will tell you for sure, things are easier said than done; when you have a mind that overthinks and over analyses every single thing, it’s not so easy to just let go and live. The What- ifs keep coming at you and you lay there, paralyzed with worry and fear. On times like those; I keep wishing that I had a strong reassuring voice to calm me; to tell me that I would be fine even if I am not; I wish I had someone to tell me the cold truth even on days I don’t want to hear it.
That’s sort of what mothers are for. But I never got to know mine and it’s been a big part of why I have all these insecurities (again, more of this later). I don’t want you to ever feel the way I do; but you see, things don’t always work out the way you want them to. If and when I am able to have you; I would wish to be there and to see you blossom into adulthood. But I know I might not be around for long; and even if I am or will be; my opinions at that particular time may prevent me from giving you the real version of truths. Hence my decision to start writing these notes for you. May they be your reassuring voice, may they be the confidence you require; may they shape your reasoning; may you learn from my mistakes; may you be a better version of a woman than I am.
And most of all, may they make you realize that you are loved; always.