Is the head of the Spaghetti Church called a Pasta? No? But why?

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Have you ever sat down and wondered why exactly  you chose to remain in school and burst your brain trying to excel at some complicated isht in Varsity? Why should you struggle with Calculus and Theory of Stuctures, then have to wait for almost 10 years after grad school in order to get that accreditation and finally start earning serious money? During that period, you’ll have to work really hard under some thankless Engineer who’ll get all the credit for your work, well, just because he is the Engineer and you’re an assistant. Patience is a virtue, they say.

Now imagine if you had opted to go for a Theology certificate’. 3-6 Months and you become a certified “man of God”, the “anointed”. Immediately after graduation, you can decide to begin your preaching career at the nearest local church; or even take a giant  leap and start you own. You see, men of god are revered. No one will question your actions lest they be seen as enemies of the “word”. You can get away with virtually anything, literally.

All you have to do is throw in a couple of bible verses that best suit your situation. As a pastor, your psychology game should be stronger than Samson before Delilah deceived him and shaved his mane. Your congregation’s mind is your canvas; it  is clay and you are the potter. You can contort it into whatever shape and form you fancy. You’ve got to play your cards well in order to get what you want. There is a good reason why believers are called sheep. They are gullible and easily manipulated. Yes, it is wrong to manipulate people but you cant exactly be blamed for other people’s foolishness, now can you? Besides, it’s a case of the willing giver.

Tell them that the man of god cannot live in Eastlands; he has to live at some leafy 5 bedroom maisonette in Kileleshwa for the glory of god to be showcased. In no time, fundraisings will be held. Tithes will be “removed”. Donations will come tumbling in.  You’ll soon be lounging by the deck of of the elegant swimming pool, sipping on some exotic cocktail ,basking on the “goodness of the Lord” at your new house before you know it. You will be asking yourself why you never thought of this from the start as you cruise to church in your new Audi Q7 on Sunday.

Your dressing will change drastically and you will start developing standards and tastes that you never knew existed before the money. You will no longer wear just any suit, no, yours will have to be shipped in from Milan. They’ll have to be hand-sewn. The man of god must exude prosperity ; from head to toe.

You will begin enjoying golf (however boring) and have an opinion about mussels and oysters. Once you become a man of god, you will no longer be associated with simpletons. The lord has elevated you into your new position. That’s what you will be telling your congregation every Sunday. “Just the other day I was a rugged man on the street and the Lord lifted me. See where I am now? Isn’t the Lord good?” You will blabber on about how prayer and faith is important; and how if a man has  strong faith and belief, riches and prosperity shall come his way.

You will carefully edit out the part where your perversely extravagant life is funded by the church’s offertory box. Nope, that’s simply your stipend for giving hope to their miserable lives.

And every December you’ll be flying out to the Joburg’s, Cape Town’s,  Mauritius’, Seychelles’ , Hawaii’s et al of the world that most people are lucky enough to view  on the pages of  that old rugged Msafiri magazine at the Salon.

You will be living the life.

Well, what can we say? To god be the glory….

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