What Your Phone Says About You

1. The Cracked Screen

You’re meeting this lady for the first time. You had planned to have a coffee date at 6pm after work. And so like the gentleman you are, you arrive at Valley Shake Coffee house 10 minutes prior. You order for a latte, and well, since there’s free Wi-Fi, you log into your twitter to check what “idle” tweeps are up to.

Like the lady she is, she walks in about 30 minutes later. She’s wearing those figure hugging dresses with a well cut trench coat that hide things so well yet manage to give you a slight hint of the goodies that lay beneath. You wave to her and she comes and slides into the couch opposite you. She orders what you’re having. Typical. She’s chatty and it’s easy to keep the conversation flowing. So far so good.  Things are going better than you had envisioned. Well, until she whips her phone out of her bag. The screen can easily pass for a spider’s web. The intriguing crack patterns make you pity the poor phone.

Well, I don’t know what but something about a cracked screen screams “careless!” especially if it’s a woman’s. It just gives off that “I will drop your baby so many times” vibe. I normally imagine that such women are the ones that chat while cooking and end up leaving the kitchen like an arson scene. They will probably forget their baby in park or something…………I don’t know about you but if I were a man I would never date a woman wielding a phone with a cracked screen. I should know; speaking from experience and all.

2. The Kabambe Batallion

There are some people that just refuse to embrace change all together.  In a time where even the common street urchin owns a smart phone, they will still insist on their Nokia 1100. You ask them why and they’ll tell you it’s coz they love Snake so much and that they don’t want all the trouble that smart phones bring. They’ll probably slide in the “I don’t want to complicate my life” kind of excuse and ramble on about how phones were supposed to be for texting and calling only. It’s worse if the Kabambe wielder is a young person in their 20’s. Such people never really change. Even if you gave them an S4, they will still remain faithful to their kabambes. Gifting such people with expensive phones is a waste of both your time and money.  They have deep-set letting go issues which they refuse to acknowledge. They are the kind to stick in abusive relationships because they are afraid of moving on and trying out new things. While it’s good to be sentimental; it becomes unhealthy after a certain level. Such people are enemies of progress if you ask me.

3. The iPhone Bearer

iPhones are the norm in western countries; in Kenya they are a status symbol. I have nothing against the phone (I can’t afford one anyway) but Kenyan iPhone bearers are a pain in the tooshy. 90% of the time, they’ll engage you in stupid arguments about how #teamiOs is better than android. Well, dear all ye, no one gives a coit! Grow up! We ain’t in baby class where everyone is competing about whose lunch box or pencil case is better than the others. Learn to tuck in your insecurity issues under your socks and just keep quiet, ok?  Yes, we know you have an iPhone, so what? Did it make your hair grow a little longer? Did your boobies grow a little bigger or your hips a little wider? Nope. See why we don’t care?

4. Mr-I-Must-Buy

There are some people who change phones more than they change their underwear….literally. They are drawn to new phone models like moths to a lamp. It is an addiction really, maybe even a disease. How else do you explain someone buying a phone ever two months? Well other than the fact that they might not have anything better to do with their money. I tend to think that such people were not hugged enough as babies and hence try to fill that void by buying new things, phones included. That’s the only logical presumption I could come up with