Dear fellow Darkskinned sisters, it is high time we took it upon ourselves to end the tirade of our Lightskinned sisters’ reign on Valentine’s Day.

Every year, we are the ones without dates, flowers or chocolate. As a result we have to bear the humiliating experience of listening to other people’s Valentine’s escapades.

Well, all that will be history soon. By following this well orchastrated plan, we can kiss “team forever alone” on Valz goodbye.

Requirements

  •  2 tablespoons of Chloroform
  • Handkerchief
  • 5 metre long rope( cut the rope into two pieces respectively)
  • Facemask
  • Toy gun
  • Overall
  • 1 pair of gloves
  • Action movies (Brucelee, Rambo etc)
  • Camera (high resolution preferably)
  • Smartphone
  • 100 Mbs of Safaricom data
  • List of Valentine’s day activities

Procedur

1.  Identify the target: this is the most important bit. It determines whether the whole thing will be worth it or not. While selecting a victim, try to look fout for the tall, well built and handsome. Preferably one whose face would attract several likes on Instagram and  an even more attractive wallet. Prior to this, you must conduct a reconnaissance of your prey’s territory. Google search the nigga, find out everything about him. This is where Facebook becomes in handy. After  satisfactorily identifying the victim, proceed to step

2.  Operation “Forceful Boyfriend Acquisition” : you have to be very skilful and adept not forgetting courageous for this step. But then again, you are a darkskin and we are tough, as tough as Rambo. Watch a couple of action movies the night before to obtain the required bravado.

  • Now, on Valentines eve (Thursday about 6pm), fully adorned in your overall and mask, hide in the bushes near your Victim’s home. Wait patiently for him.
  • Immediately he arrives. Pour all the chloroform on the handkerchief. Pounce upon your prey with the agility of a leopard. Cover his nose and mouth for a minute or two. From your Biology, you should know what happens next.
  • Using the 2m rope, tie your victim’s hands and feet together to prevent any chances of him escaping.
  • Carry your victim on your back and transport him to your residence ready for the next step

3.  Intimidation:  once your victim is in the safety of your house, secure him with the remaining part of the rope to one bed post to prevent any chances of escape once he wakes up. Await for your victim to come out of the chloroform induced coma. As soon as he does this, hold the toy gun to his head and tell him that if he dares not cooperate he will be dead meat. Remember to use the cold and commanding no nonsense voice of villains in the action movies. Unleash your valentines to do list and tell him to read every word carefully.

4.  Operation Dream Valentine: Voila! Once you have successfully intimidated your victim, your dream valentine’s is as good as done. All you have to do is go through all your scheduled activities, ticking them off one by one. Remember to take lots of pictures and upload them on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram with captivating tags such as “me and le boo sharing a cone at SnowCream” and the all other lovey-dovey stuff sweet nothings you can think about . For one day, live the light skinned girl dream.

And that dear ladies, is how to secure a Valentine.

Disclaimer: the author shall not be held liable for any arrests or assault charges that may arise from following the extreme methods above. However, if the plan works feel free to MPESA on my paybill no. 0769696969

 

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