That moment in life when nothing seems to interest you anymore, not even the things you literally used to worship…and you try as much as possible to convince yourself that’s it’s just a phase that will soon end, darkest before dawn, light at the end of the tunnel mind-set… but deep inside you know that the feeling isn’t anywhere near disappearing. Try as you may to wish it a way, it just won’t go, nagging and persistent, hovering over your soul like dense fog…and it totally sucks, especially if it’s on the eve of your birthday.
Life becomes like bland food, you have to eat it simply because you’re hungry, daily activities become an obligation rather than activities to be looked forward to. Friends do not interest you anymore, perhaps you have grown so used to the disappointments that the embers once existed got extinguished. People lose value before your eyes, even that special person fades away momentarily. When you realize that you only have yourself to love, to boost your esteem, to cry and laugh with…at the depths of your loneliness and the echoing silence of emptiness the truth hits you, it has always been you all along, no one but yourself. You’ve held on so much to yourself, bitterness broiled out of soiled relationships with the people closest to you…that bitterness that slowly poisoned your soul, turning into foul hate and eventually leaving you as vile as the devil himself. Tiny grudges that have blossomed into giant trees, and you just how hard it is to cut them down now. Those people you swore never to forgive but now realize just how much you have been belabored in the task of carrying that huge load with you all those years. That flaring anger you had towards God for letting bad things happen to you, for mistakenly thinking He was picking on you, and you distanced away from Him for the same reason, paying His desertion with rebellion..realizing that you have been lying to yourself all these years and for the first time you notice He was there all that time, favoring you in tiny little ways….it’s as if your eyes got re-opened, you realize that all that hate and bitterness is not worth it, they only serve to weigh you down, all those nights you tortured yourself with endless “why me?’ questions and thoughts were a mere waste of your precious time…it’s time to forgive, time to let go, time to free yourself from the chains of your own mind, the shackles that you unknowingly bound around your feet…time to forgive and start living your life once more: a free man