I used to be narcissist of some sort back then; Love was virtually inexistent in my vocabulary. I therefore could not comprehend why my friends seemed to lose their minds all in the name of “having fallen in love.” Seriously, why would a person become overly excited because they had received mail from their so-called sweetheart? And the worse bit was that evening preps would be disrupted because of the commotion that would follow, each and every bit of the letter would be analyzed word for word and dutifully passed to everyone in the class…the lucky recipient would then bask in glee, doing absolutely nothing but build castles in the air the whole period.
Surely, what was wrong with these girls? Don’t they have an iota of sense in them? What was so over the top about receiving a letter? I would wonder endlessly as I tried to unravel the mystery that is the brain of a girl hopelessly in love! Of course I never got to answer all these queries, in fact I associated love with temporary brain malfunction.
Nothing was more torturous than having to listen for hours on end as one of your girlfriends or several for that matter kept bantering on and on about the dudes that “vibed” her during an outing. They never seemed to run out of words and I would silently pray for something to happen so that I would find a polite way of excusing myself … such is the agony I had to endure at the hands of these hopeless romantics.
Having to bear with all the mushiness was just but the beginning of my torture, dealing with the heart breakage and doubts was worse! I think he’s cheating on me, I saw him vibing another chic during the symposium, he has stopped writing mail to me, am I ugly? Do u think am fat? What am I not doing right? His din’t send me a card nor buy me chocu for valz….. and the complaints would come streaming on! And as the diligent friend, I was supposed to know the answers to all these and go a step further to give advise. I would lend my ear and nod just to reassure but the honest inner me felt like screaming out, “for goodness sake, the poor dude is in school so u aint exactly his first priority now, r u? Last time I checked people come to school to actually “learn”… n his pocket money is barely enough for him so why should he factor you in his budget?”
That was just a snap of what I had to endure, finishing high school was no different! I still could not figure out what love was, n because I did not want to be considered “abnormal” for a girl my age, I decided to jump on the bandwagon… but alas! I found nothing to write home about, no sparks no nothing… to be honest I preferred to sleep rather than spend time with a dude. The words “I love you” were pleasantries that I could not afford to give back, I was always on the receiving end but deep inside I was as empty as coconut shell sorry to speak… well, I felt sorry for the people who so freely gave out what I could not return but then again, one cannot force feelings! you simply cannot express something that does not exist….and so I gave up! Why struggle with something that I did not even understand in the first place, let go n let live. I was happier just the way I was
Just when this snug realization was beginning to settle in, this person came and upset my whole cycle. The walls of defense so carefully built around me began caving in one after the other… i could not understand what was happening to me! Everything was all a jumble to me, for someone who wasn’t used to all this, the new experience was all very confusing. I tried running away from it, tried to deny the fact that I was fast losing my mind too..the brain damage was finally catching up with me… much as I tried, I could not shake off the feeling, the unexplainable desire to be with someone, to bask in their presence and keep them in your mind! Words never run out when you are talking to them > your life is no longer yours alone but one shared with another person out of your own volition… I bet I now understand what my friends were going through: the love bug has finally bitten me